I caught Hexxus sneaking into my house last night.

"How did the job go?" I asked.

I didn't really need an answer from him. He was covered in blood. I don't know how exactly he could get covered -- and I do mean covered, head to fucking toe -- in blood, but he had and was now dripping blood onto my carpet.

He looked at me sheepishly.

"Bathroom," I said. "Now. Go."

"I'm sorry," he started to say, but I just pointed to the bathroom. He walked, leaving bloody footprints behind him (he didn't even had the decency to take off his shoes before coming inside!).

"There's bleach under the sink," I said loudly. "I want all the bloodstains out by morning. Or else."

I don't know why I let him stay.

Currently in between cases and having some relaxing downtime. Hexxus is away on a mission, which means I finally have the house to myself.

Which means I can finally get caught up with my reading. I'm halfway through In the Woods by Tana French and it's very suspenseful.

CASE: The State of Georgia vs. George Sweeney (Part Two)

Sorry for the long update time. I was called away unexpectedly.

Okay, I was going to tell what happened with George Sweeney. Basically: he fucked up. Badly.

As he told me, his job was to observe and report back on a specific runner that we were looking to recruit. The runner got wind that there were proxies that were looking for him. Sweeney was supposed to pull out, to not scare him into running again, and then we would set a trap.

Unfortunately, Sweeney was an arrogant jackass, so he decided to keep following the runner (whom I will just refer to now as "John Doe"). And while he thought he was being inconspicuous, he was pretty fucking conspicuous. I was surprised he didn't wear a fucking Operator symbol on his shoulder.

So it wasn't a surprised when John Doe attacked him. John Doe was pretty paranoid by then (a common trait among runners, it seems), which accounts from him attacking Sweeney in a crowded bar with tons of witnesses. Sweeney hit him on the head, which cracked his skull, and John Doe died.

This presented a problem: we wanted to recruit John Doe. A number of lower proxies are actually ex-runners, who are tired of running and want protection. So they join us and we let them work for Father doing the work that psychopaths really aren't cut out for (like, say, accounting). It's a neat system.

And Sweeney had fucked it up. So after he told me his story, I slipped something in his drink. And two hours later, he had a "heart attack" in his cell and died.

Just goes to show up: the Father does not like fuck ups.

CASE: The State of Georgia vs. George Sweeney (Part One)

Currently in the city of Atlanta, sweating like there's no tomorrow. I don't know how hot it is here, but I do know the AC is busted in the jail and so it's hotter than Hell.

I have the file on the proxy who was arrested. His name is George Sweeney and he goes by the proxy-name "Sweeney Todd." Yeah, you can guess what his favorite weapon is (it's the straight razor, for those who don't know pop culture). However, he was not arrested for killing with his straight razor, but rather with a beer bottle.

Yes, this case takes place at another bar. Inside a bar, this time. Apparently, Sweeney and a runner got into a bar brawl and Sweeney knocked him over the head with a bottle. Unlike in the movies, where bottles instantly shatter, this bottle had the effect of cracking the runner's skull and killing him.

The only reason that Sweeney was arrested for voluntary manslaughter and not murder was that there were witnesses that said the runner started the fight.

Oh, and you may be asking yourself why Sweeney didn't use the Path of Black Leaves to escape the authorities or even use the Path to escape his jail cell. (Heck, you may have wondered why Hexxus didn't use the path to escape, either.)

This may come as a shock to some of you, but not all proxies can use the Path. In fact, I'd say that most proxies can't use the Path - it's only the more important ones that can use it and they tend to allow others to travel on it. So all those blogs where random proxies use the Path of Black Leaves -- well, either they are very lucky or they are lying in order to make themselves seem more important. Most proxies just use cars like normal people.

I'm tired and it's hot right now, so I'll leave off what happened with Sweeney until I'm in a place with better air conditioning.

The Devil Went Down to Georgia

I have been called to go to Atlanta, Georgia. Apparently, a proxy has found themselves arrested for voluntary manslaughter. Not murder, just manslaughter, thankfully. Makes it a little bit easier to get them out.

And yes, I am member of the State Bar of Georgia. I am member of lots of State Bars. One of the perks of being a proxy lawyer.

Unfortunately, this means leaving Hexxus to watch the place when I am gone. I just hope he doesn't completely empty the fridge before I get back.

CASE: The City of Reno, Nevada vs. Ralph Wilson

Here's one that came up recently: Ralph Wilson, otherwise known as the proxy Hexxus, was arrested in Reno, Nevada. What, pray tell, was he arrested for? Stalking? Arson? Assault? Murder?

None of the above. He was arrested, actually, for vandalism.

This is what I mean, people. Vandalism. Seriously. Police arrested him outside of a bar when they saw him spray-painting an Operator Symbol on the wall.

Let me repeat that: he was spray-painting an Operator Symbol. And then he was arrested and because he had a few brain cells that hadn't died yet, he didn't resist arrest and went peacefully. This was why I was able to get him out of a Reno jail with only a minimal fine and some under the counter cash.

After he was free, I then proceeded to berate the living shit out of him. And not just for the vandalism thing, either. I believe at one point, I pointed out that his proxy name wasn't even a "real name," but rather a character from the movie Ferngully: The Last Rainforest.

And that was how I made Hexxus cry. Making another proxy cry made me feel sort of bad, so I tried to comfort him. And that's why he's now sleeping on my couch.

This is why you should post bail and bail. Never talk to the proxies, never get into conversations with them (where they inevitably try to compare killing techniques or how much they love serving the Father, blah blah blah), just don't.

Because you might end up sharing a room with them and they might just leave their goddamn dishes everything.

One of these days, I'm going to make Hexxus cry again and I won't even feel bad.

Insert Evil Lawyer Joke Here

Let me tell you a joke other proxies like to tell me: what's the difference between the Slender Man and a lawyer?

Answer: one is a monster in a business suit and the other is the Slender Man.

Hello. My name is Mister Branch. I am a proxy and a lawyer. Furthermore, I am a proxy lawyer, a lawyer for proxies.

You see, things aren't always simple when working for the Father. A lot of the things we are required to do are illegal. So if a proxy is caught breaking and entering (to leave a threatening note of some sort) or holding illegal weaponry (many just decide to carry their own weapons, without even getting a permit) or even arrested for murder, that's where me and my partner come in.

We are Branch & Cabal. We will get you out on bail before you can say 'reasonable doubt.' And if the trial ever does come to court, we can discredit nosy witnesses and make sure you fail to go to jail.

Remember: justice is blind, because we stabbed her eyes out.